After Your World Stops
by JackieQ
Summary: Nathan and Brooke cope with a tragedy the only way they know how. It works well until she starts to feel more for him.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own squat

After Your World Stops

Chapter 1

The rain was relentless, pouring unabated, pounding the ground. The cemetery had long since been abandoned, mourners paying their last respects before leaving to get out of the storm. They had lives to return to, families that required attending. Their world hadn't just stopped turning.

Not like his had. So Nathan made no move to leave. He stood in his dark suit, drenched to the bone, completely numb from the cold. He stared at the fresh mound of dirt under which lay buried every hope and any dream he'd ever had. He couldn't quite grasp it yet.

Haley couldn't actually be gone, he felt like someone was playing a really sick joke and if he stood there long enough, Haley would eventually show up behind him, laughing her sweet laugh, to wrap her arms around his waist, "Nate, why the long face? Who died?" He could picture it so clearly in his head, it felt real.

"Nathan!"

He whipped around, so sure it was a miracle and Haley was calling him. He watched as a figure in a black overcoat and holding an umbrella ran through the heavy rain towards him. Nathan could practically taste his disappointment; it was so acute, when he realized it wasn't his wife brought back.

Brooke rushed up to him and placed the umbrella over his head.

"Nathan, you're going to get sick. Please, come back to the house with me? Everyone's really worried about you."

"You think I CARE if I get sick? You think I give a FUCK about 'everyone' right now? You can all go to hell!" He screamed angrily at her.

Brooke flinched but she wasn't going to let him push her away. She pulled Nathan into a hug and murmured soothing words to him, in the same soft voice she used to comfort her kindergarten students when they became upset.

Nathan came apart then, sobbing uncontrollably onto her shoulder, the cries torn from deep inside of him. He clung to Brooke desperately and she started to cry with him. Her own pain ripping her apart as she finally let it consume her after trying so hard to keep it together for everyone else.

Haley was her best friend, the two of them inseparable since that day at school so many years ago. Brooke had kicked Kyle Nolan in the shin and pushed him over for tormenting the new girl and laughing hysterically when she started to cry.

Brooke took one look at little quiet Haley with tears swimming in her eyes and had a fierce urge to protect her. And she did exactly that for the next eighteen years.

She was there holding Haley and wiping her stuffy nose when she was crying for days over the loss of her parents.

Brooke was the devious mind behind the great "Shrimp Incident of '02", deciding that Rick the Prick deserved a little surprise after dumping Haley very harshly for a bimbo that would spread her legs when Haley wouldn't. Brooke hauled a bucket of raw shrimp and strategically hid them around Rick's prized '67 Chevy Impala, stuffing the little critters between and under the seats. He had to air his precious car out for weeks, unable to ride in the horrible stench and forced to ride the bus to school.

It was Brooke who sized up Nathan and gave him the whole "you hurt her, they'll never find your body" speech before finally giving him her seal of approval and deeming him worthy of her Haley.

Now here she was crying with Haley's husband and she couldn't believe that she had actually buried her friend today.

Nathan abruptly pulled away from Brooke, his eyes red-rimmed and full of anguish before he masked it and a cold look came over his face. He pushed aside Brooke's hands as she tried to hold onto him and staggered away from her, shaking his head.

"No! I'm not going back to that house. I can't…I can't go there. It's too much." He started to walk off in the direction of his car.

"Wait, Nathan! Where are you going then?"

Brooke followed after him. He wasn't in any state of mind to be driving right now and she wasn't going to stand by and let him do something stupid.

She felt as though he was partly her responsibility now. After he and Haley had gotten married four years ago, Haley used to joke that Nathan was being saddled with more than just his bride, he was inheriting Brooke too. Nathan would groan and act horrified until Brooke rolled her eyes and punched him in the arm.

"Stop pretending that you don't love me. I'm taking Haley away if you're mean to me. I've got dibs, you know!"

"No way! Our marriage nullifies your dibs! I have dibs!"

"Stop saying dibs!" Haley would intervene, "And anyways, nobody has dibs, I am dibs-free…dibs-less, if you will."

"Haley? Stop saying dibs." Brooke interrupted her little speech as Nathan nodded in agreement.

Haley was so happy to see that her loving husband and her best friend in the whole world were not only getting along but actually grew to be great friends. She had been a bit nervous about that, both were so protective of her. Her doubts were put to rest though, they got along famously. Nathan knew how big a part of her life Brooke was and set out to win her approval from day one, and Brooke eased up on him once she realized how much he really loved Haley.

As she hurried after him outside the cemetery, Brooke felt a need to look after Nathan the way she used to look out for Haley. Nathan took out his keys to unlock the car but couldn't fit it in the keyhole because his hands were shaking too badly. Brooke slowly retrieved the keys from his hands and unlocked the door for him. She led him to the passenger side and coaxed him in.

"Wherever you need to go, Nathan, I'll drive you. I'll leave you to be by yourself once we get there, if you want me to, but I'm not letting you drive like a mad man in the state you're in, ok?" Brooke slid into the driver's seat and waited for him to say something.

Nathan just nodded. And they sat there for the next 10 minutes in silence until he said in a raw voice, "The Blue Post."

"Nathan…I don't think,."

"The Blue fucking Post, ok? You said you would drive me, so goddamn drive me!"

Brooke looked at his profile as he sat staring forward and felt such an intense wave of sadness she thought she would keel over. She so badly wanted Haley to be alive. But she didn't argue any further, she started the car and drove them to the dingy bar. And watched Nathan get completely hammered as he downed shot after shot, raging at her if she told him to stop. He was almost incoherent and on the verge of passing out when she finally got him out of there with the help of one of the waiters. Knowing he didn't want to wake up alone in his and Haley's bed, she drove him to her apartment and tucked him in under her covers. After she was sure he was asleep, Brooke pulled her chair up and settled into it to watch over him, to make sure he didn't choke on his own vomit. She eventually fell asleep dreaming of two 9 year old girls laughing together and playing on the swings.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclamer: Still don't own anything

Author's Note: Thank you so much for the reviews! This is my first major fic, so I was really apprehensive about posting it. I hope you continue to enjoy it and let me know what you think. I kind of get lost in my head sometimes, and don't think about how others may perceive what I'm putting out there, so reviews are always helpful. Thanks again!

Chapter 2

It had been a few months since the funeral and Nathan had taken a turn for the worse. That first night of heavy drinking led to many more, and it seemed that nobody could reach him. His family and friends were trying to help him deal with his grief in a healthier way, but Nathan shut everyone out, refusing to listen to them.

He was staying with Brooke, still unable to return to the home he shared with his dead wife. Brooke tried her best to be there for him, making sure he ate when Nathan couldn't bring himself to care about food, urging him into the shower when it became clear he wasn't going to take one of his own free will and basically trying to run both their lives as best as she could. It was all taking a toll on her and sometimes she wanted to get angry and just yell at him.

It wasn't just his loss, she'd loved Haley far longer than he had, and yes, it was different for a spouse, but he didn't have monopoly on pain and he couldn't act like he was the only one suffering. Brooke hurt too. But she didn't yell at him, she just kept it inside and carried on. She went to work in the morning, put on her happy face for her little munchkins, and then cried in the bathroom when it became too much for her. She came home to find Nathan drunk, sprawled on her couch, staring listlessly into space, and she went about cleaning up the mess he created, telling herself to give him some more time.

Then one morning, when Brooke was having a particularly hard time getting out of bed and remembering why she was putting up with Nathan, she called him out on his behavior.

"Nathan, you can't keep doing this. You can't just throw away your life. Awful, terrible things happen to people, but that doesn't mean you just stop! You have to be strong and deal with it."

Nathan glared at her.

"Deal with it? I'm glad you found it so easy to 'deal with it', but my wife died and we can't all be the pillar of strength that you apparently are! I can't just go around like you, acting like nothing happened. Unlike you, I can't just forget about Haley!"

"How DARE you! Forget about Haley? You think I just forgot about her? You bastard! I'm holding onto my sanity with my fingertips. I loved her; she was the only family I had. Do you have any idea how alone I feel?"

Brooke wiped furiously at the tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I have to force myself out of bed every day, and as if trying to desperately live my own life right now isn't enough, I have to make sure you're not dying from starvation or lying in your own pool of vomit! God! It's like taking care of a newborn, the feeding and cleaning!"

"I never fucking _asked_ you to look after me, YOU appointed yourself my guardian! Who the fuck asked you, huh? You FORCED yourself on me! I don't NEED you! I can barely stand to look at you, it makes me sick!"

Brooke looked as though she's been slapped, and that's what it felt like.

"I make you _sick_? I'm here Nathan, I'm here everyday trying to be strong for the both of us and that's how you feel? What did I do to you besides be here for you?" Brooke didn't even bother wiping her tears anymore as she whispered the last words. .

Nathan had the sense of mind to realize he had gone too far and really hurt her. He lowered his voice and tried to calm himself down.

"Brooke, I'm sorry, that didn't come out right. It's just ever memory I have of you is wrapped up in _her_. You were always there; it wasn't just Haley and me, the three of us were so close. And now, there is no Haley and I can't look at you."

Brooke didn't say anything for awhile, she just kept her eyes down and cried quietly. They sat there in tense silence until she looked up at him, her bloodshot eyes full of pain.

"Don't you think it's hard for me too? I look at you and all I can think about is Haley! You being here is just constant reminder of her _not_ being here! But I'm trying to move passed that, because I care about you. You're my friend and I don't want to see you go through this alone. _I_ don't want to go through this alone! You say you don't need me, but I know you do! And guess what? I kinda need you too. It might hurt to look at you, but I still need to because you're like this link to her. I'm trying to be strong, but I need help too, ok?" Brooke sobbed, burying her face in her hands.

Nathan nodded and pulled her hands from her face. He looked at her puffy tear-stained face and felt guilty for making everything harder for her. He really did care about her; it was just difficult to feel anything beyond the grief. He tugged Brooke closer and enveloped her in his arms, smoothing his hands over her hair and down her back, finally offering the comfort she so badly needed.

Brooke continued to cry brokenly into his neck, as she hugged him back tightly. This time it was Nathan who murmured soft words to her as he kissed her temple and down her face. He placed kisses on her swollen eyes and her cheeks until he moved to the corner of her mouth. He paused for a second before moving his lips over to her mouth and softly kissing it. Brooke's entire body went taut as she tensed up. She didn't respond, but she didn't push him away either. Nathan continued kissing her and started to probe her lips open with his tongue. That was when Brooke pulled away from his arms, shaking her head.

"Nathan, what are you doing?"

"Please, Brooke, I just need to feel something. Anything other than his cold numb feeling. Just for this one day, I need you. Please."

Nathan looked desperate as he pleaded with her, pulling her back to him and holding her firmly to his chest. Brooke heard the tears in his voice and a calm feeling washed over her and she nodded. She couldn't refuse him, not when she was craving contact with another person, another body, just as badly. Nathan felt her nod and realizing she had agreed, he grabbed her face roughly and kissed her until they were both struggling for air. His tongue tangled with hers as he devoured her mouth, his hands sweeping over her body. Brooke clutched at him desperately, clawing at his shirt, dying to feel his naked skin against hers. He pulled away long enough to rip her top off, buttons flying, neither caring as Brooke pushed his shirt up. Her bra came off soon after, both sighing in relief as her breasts came in contact with his bare chest. Nathan tangled his fingers in her hair and he ravaged her mouth. Brooke straddled his lap and moved her hips against his frantically. She didn't allow guilt into her mind, didn't want to think about how she was betraying Haley. It's just sex, it's just comfort and sex. The mantra rang in her head.

Nathan flipped them over so he was on top of her and moved his lips down her neck, nipping at her collarbone, until he reached her breasts. Taking her nipple in his mouth while he moved his hand down to her skirt, pushing it up so he could push her panties to the side and slip his fingers into her heat. Brooke squirmed and opened her legs wider to give him easier access. She was so wet and ready, Nathan couldn't stand it anymore. Feeling his urgent need, Brooke pushed his shorts and boxers down in one move and lifting her hips towards his. Nathan buried his face in her chest and thrust forward. They both groaned in unison as deep pleasure rolled over them. Nathan thrust in out and out in deep long strokes until Brooke came with a shout, and Nathan's orgasm quickly followed. They both lay on the couch trying to catch their breaths when Nathan suddenly moved off her, pulling his pants back up and throwing his shirt on. Brooke had never seen anyone dress as quickly and slowly sat up, trying to think of something to say to break the awkward tension. Nathan didn't let her say anything though; he didn't even spare her a glance before slamming out of the apartment before she had even pushed her skirt down.


	3. Chapter 3

The reviews are awesome, they totally make my day. Thanks to everyone who took the time to give me feedback.

Sorry it's kind of short, but I'm feeling pretty blocked and am so swamped with work (college is such a killer), this is all I could manage to churn out. Let me know what you guys think.

B.P. Davis- How did you know? ;) Am I being that predictable? Lol. Yeah, I'm sorry to say it's pretty much the old clichéd tale…

Chapter 3

Nathan sat at the end of the bed with his head hanging down and his fingers shoved in his hair. He couldn't believe he was doing this. He felt guilty, as though he'd been cheating on his wife. He rubbed his face with both hands and sighed heavily. He heard the sheets on the bed rustle and felt Brooke move behind him. She placed her hand on his naked back and put her head on his shoulder.

"Nathan, talk to me. What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking this is fucked up. I'm thinking I shouldn't be screwing my wife's best friend and liking it. But every time I think of telling you that this time is the last time, I can't. I can't because I feel like you're the only other person who understands what I'm going through and the thought of being by myself right now, paralyzes me."

After that first time on the couch, Nathan had sworn to himself it would be the only time.

He'd headed straight for the nearest bar and drank until he felt he could face Brooke again. He kept picturing her below him, her skin flushed and her hips rising with his. She had felt so good around him. He couldn't believe she'd felt so good, that he was thinking about someone other than Haley having sex with him. It felt like the ultimate betrayal. But that still didn't enable him to deny how during those few moments with Brooke, he'd felt ok. He didn't feel like curling into a ball, or drinking himself into oblivion. He'd actually forgotten the pain for awhile, and that's what drove him to leave her there on the couch. He couldn't forget the pain, wouldn't allow himself to.

When he finally went back to the apartment, hours later, he found Brooke sitting where he left her, as if she hadn't moved since then. But he knew she had, her hair was damp as if she had just come out of the shower and she was wrapped in her fluffy pink robe. She looked up when he came in and he could see she'd been crying again.

Nathan wanted to go to her, apologize, say something, but he didn't trust himself around her. So, he walked passed her without a word and went into the bathroom to take a shower himself. He took his clothes off, and was standing in his boxers when the door burst open and he found himself staring into Brooke's angry gaze.

"_You_ initiated it! _You_ practically begged me, so don't act like it was me, like it was my fault! You don't get to do that, ok? You don't get to make me feel worse than I already feel!" Brooke practically yelled.

"No, Brooke, I'm not blaming you at all! I'm blaming myself. I wasn't thinking. I'm not trying to make you feel worse!"

"Then why did you just leave me there like that, like I was some kind of a whore!? I'm your friend, you don't leave me like that and then walk in here and ignore me. I know you feel guilty, so do I, but I'm still your friend, so give me the goddamn courtesy of at least looking at me! Or do I still make you feel sick?!"

"Brooke, I'm sorry, God! I didn't mean to make you feel like that, ok? I can't look at you because I'm afraid it might lead to me doing something stupid!"

"Like what, exactly?"

Nathan stared at her in her ratty bathrobe, her bare feet sticking out, her hair drying in her natural waves and her cheeks red with anger and didn't even think about what he was doing as he grabbed her by the shoulders and bent down to take her mouth with his. Brooke gasped and returned the kiss almost immediately. Nathan tore his mouth away to answer her question.

"Like that."

And then he kissed her again, his hands reaching down to undo her robe before lifting her off her feet. Brooke instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist as they stumbled into the shower.

That night started something passionate and raw between them. Nathan didn't even bother to tell himself it wouldn't happen again anymore. Every time it was frantic and undeniable, their bodies went up in flames whenever they touched. And above all else, it helped them feel less alone.

That didn't help ease the guilt though. But the guilt didn't make them stop.

Listening to Nathan now, Brooke couldn't help but feel sad. She took a deep breath. "I understand what you're saying, and I don't know what to tell you. I don't have the answers, all I know is I need you right now. So it might be fucked up, it might be wrong, but I really need you."

She sighed and got up, pulling his shirt on as she left the room. Nathan watched her walk away, looking unbelievably sexy in his clothes, and hated himself for wanting her again and again. Hating himself for needing her too, when he shouldn't be needing anyone but Haley.


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm really glad you like this fic. It means a whole lot. J

I banged this chapter out in half an hour, it may be a little rushed but it's the best I'm able to do with everything going on right now. Hope you don't hate it!

Please review!

Chapter 4

_Haley walked into the living room after having kept Nathan waiting for thirty-five minutes. _

"_Hales, we have reservations, you know…" He forgot the rest of his thoughts as he turned to look at his wife. _

_Haley giggled at the dumbfounded expression on her husband's face and twirled around in the dress, the skirt flaring out where it ended at her knees. The deep rich red material hugged all her right curves and Nathan was speechless at how gorgeous she was._

_Haley laughed and started to back away from him as she recognized the look in his eyes. _

"_Nathan! I thought you said we were going to be late!"_

_Nathan shook his head and kept advancing on her, "I don't care, we'll be late."_

_Haley turned and ran with Nathan giving chase, both laughing and out of breath as he finally caught her around the waist and they stumbled onto the couch and forgot all about their dinner reservations. _

Nathan was waiting for Brooke to finish getting dressed. He tugged at his collar uncomfortably and ran his hand through his hair. Brooke had somehow convinced him to go with her to this work party, saying it would be unbearably boring if she had to attend alone. He couldn't look into her pleading eyes and say no, so here he was, decked out in a suit, looking presentable for the first time in a long time.

Nathan got tired of sitting around so he went to check in on Brooke. She was sitting in front of her mirror, putting on the finishing touches of her make-up, when she saw him standing behind her with an indescribable look on his face. Brooke stood and walked towards him.

"Nathan? What's wrong?"

"What the hell are you wearing?" Nathan practically growled at her.

Brooke took a step back from him and looked down at her dress. It was her red dress from a couple of years ago. She loved it and had thought she was looking pretty good in it.

"Um…you don't like it?"

"Take it off! Why the hell are you wearing that?!" He was almost shouting at her and Brooke was beyond confused. What had brought this on?

"WHY are you wearing Haley's dress?" He asked again, this time even more loudly.

"Haley's? This isn't hers! I mean, I let her borrow it before, but it's mine." Brooke folded her arms tightly across her chest, as if in protection.

Nathan just shook his head and turned away from her.

"NO! Don't wear that! Just fucking take it off!"

Nathan took a deep breath to calm himself down. He didn't want to start fighting with Brooke, but he just couldn't look at her in that dress. It was too much.

"Please." He whispered brokenly.

"Ok, ok. Nathan. I'll change into something else. It's not a big deal."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just…"

"Don't explain. I get it." Brooke walked into her closet and pulled a different dress out. She stepped out of the red one as she walked past Nathan. She wouldn't look him in the eyes as she took off the jewelry that didn't go with the outfit she was wearing now. There was an awful tense silence in the room and Brooke felt a lump growing in her throat that she tried to swallow. She felt tears at the back of her eyes that she refused to let fall. This was silly. There was no way she was going to cry about this.

Nathan hadn't moved from where he was standing and he could see Brooke was more upset than she was letting on. Her shoulders were stiff as she sat at her dresser with her back to him. It was like she was using all her energy to maintain her composure.

He felt like such an ass, to make this big scene about what she was wearing. She had every right to wear that dress, it was hers and now she was getting ready all over again because of him. He walked over to her and hesitated before putting his hands on her shoulders. Brooke jumped a little, not having expected him to touch her.

"Brooke…"

"It's really fine, Nathan. Let's just go. We're already late."

"No. Wait."

Brooke looked at him expectantly, and Nathan had trouble forming any words. He didn't know what he was trying to say to her. He shook his head and did the next best thing. Nathan slid his hands down her arms and leaned his head down to take her mouth in his. Brooke didn't immediately respond, but Nathan didn't give up, just continued to kiss her slowly. Brooke eventually yielded and sank into his arms. She opened her mouth under his and soon they were gasping for breath as they devoured each other. Nathan briefly pulled his lips from hers but continued to trail kisses down her neck and mumbled, "What about your work thing?"

Brooke arched her back and clawed at his shirt. "Screw the work thing." She gasped as Nathan's hands found a way under her skirt and between her thighs.

"How about I do you instead?"

They eventually showed up to the event four hours late but thankfully nobody noticed them slipping in discreetly, their faces flushed but not apologetic.

The next day, Brooke kept thinking about Nathan's outburst the previous night. She hated to admit even to herself that he hurt her. The truth was she was starting to not associate everything Nathan with Haley. She liked kissing him and being with him. He didn't even know it, but she was healing bit by bit and it was because of him. A few days ago, he came into the kitchen and helped her make dinner and they just enjoyed each other, no sex, just them. She even made him laugh a couple of times. The sound of his laughter was so soothing and a warm feeling had spread inside her chest, happy for the first time since Haley had gone.

Brooke thought maybe he was looking at her differently too. Maybe he didn't think of Haley every time they were together, but she realized that wasn't the case for him and her heart cracked a tiny bit.

Brooke scolded herself. She was such a huge idiot. She was getting in way over her head. What the hell was she thinking? Feeling anything other than friendship for Nathan was the biggest mistake she could ever make, even bigger than sleeping with him in the first place. Brooke could just see how this was going to turn out, and it was not likely to end well for her. Sometimes she really loathed herself.


	5. Chapter 5

I think this chapter's a bit longer than the others. Hope you like it. J

Please review!

**Chapter 5**

Brooke was sitting at the corner café with a sandwich and the crossword puzzle when she heard somebody call her name. She looked up and was shocked to find it was Lucas. Brooke jumped up to give him a hug.

"Lucas! It's so good to see you!"

Lucas returned her enthusiastic greeting, wrapping his arms around her.

"It's great to see you too, Brooke. It's been too long!"

They separated and continued to smile at each other.

Lucas sat with her and they talked like no time had passed at all. Lucas and Nathan were never very close, half-brothers; they had never even lived in the same house, but when Brooke and Lucas met, sparks had flown leading to a brief but passionate time together. They had ended on good terms, but hadn't really stayed in contact

He had attended the funeral but they hadn't spoken, Brooke in her own dark world at the time.

"How's Nathan doing?"

"I don't really know, I mean, he's not completely catatonic anymore, but he's still in a lot of pain. I wish I could do more for him."

"Brooke, you're the only one he's even talking to. You're probably doing more for him than you know."

Brooke looked down, unable to meet his eyes after that. If he only knew. Her way of coping was sleeping with Nathan every chance she got.

Lucas took her hand in his and gave it a squeeze. She looked back up at him.

"Brooke…How are _you_ doing? I know how much you must miss her."

Brooke shook her head and swallowed the lump in her throat.

"I miss her so much. But I'm doing better. Everyday the pain is a little less."

Lucas nodded and rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand.

"You know, I'm here for you. Anything you need, I'm here. I know we haven't talked a lot these past few years but you'll always mean so much to me. I'll never forget the time we spent together."

Brooke smiled and gently removed her hand from under his; feeling like Nathan wouldn't be too pleased to see them holding hands. She knew she wasn't doing anything wrong, just catching up with an old friend, but it still felt a bit weird since Lucas had been a bit more than just a friend.

"You'll always mean a lot to me too, we had some good times together."

Lucas laughed, "Yes, definitely good times!"

He was probably thinking about the days they had spent never even leaving the bedroom and the constant laughter that had been present during their relationship. It had always been light and fun. Friends and lovers.

Lucas turned serious after a while. "I wish Nathan would talk to me, I know we've never been close, but he's still my brother."

"He will eventually, he just needs time, Luke," Brooke said sympathetically. She wasn't sure if she believed what she was saying but it didn't hurt to make Lucas feel better about the situation.

Brooke and Lucas spent the afternoon getting caught up on each other's lives. After lunch, Lucas drove Brooke back to her apartment.

"I had a nice time, Brooke. We should stay in better contact, I miss you, you know?"

Brooke gave him a friendly hug, "Me too, I'll definitely talk to you soon!"

"Bye Cheery," Lucas waved as he drove away.

Brooke walked into her apartment, oblivious to the fact that Nathan had seen them through the window. He was sitting in the living room with a blank expression on his face.

She dropped her purse on the table and took off her coat before sitting next to him. She lay her head on his chest and scooted under his arm. He had yet to say anything, Brooke could sense something was not right with him, but she so desperately didn't want to get into it with him again. She just wanted to relax and be with him without all the angst.

Brooke lifted her head and kissed him lightly on the lips. Before she could deepen it, Nathan pushed her away and jumped off the couch.

"Nathan?"

"I don't want to be around you right now," With that said, Nathan grabbed his jacket and walked out the front door, leaving Brooke sitting by herself as he tended to do.

Later that night, when Brooke had barely fallen asleep after waiting up for hours, she felt Nathan lie down next to her. She could tell that he was drunk as he started to kiss her. Brooke felt sad and helpless; she had thought he was past the point where he had to drink into the night.

Silent tears marked a path down her cheeks as she turned into Nathan's arms, kissing him back with everything she had. Even through his drunken haze, he could tell she was crying, and he gentled the kiss, merely touching his lips to hers. This was all he had to offer Brooke; he couldn't give her anything more. Nathan continued to lightly trace her face with his mouth until Brooke drew him in deeper, desperate for more.

The next day, Brooke and Nathan were still in bed when her cell phone rang. It was on the table near Nathan, she motioned for him to pass it to her. Nathan looked at the caller display and his expression darkened. She gave him a questioning look before taking the phone from his hand, but he didn't say anything. She sighed as she saw who was calling.

"Hey Lucas, what's up?"

"I have a meeting with my agent near your place and I was wondering if you're free for lunch today?"

Brooke watched as Nathan got up and started getting dressed; trying to pretend that he wasn't listening to her every word.

"Um, actually, I kind of already have plans, Lucas. I'm sorry, maybe some other time?"

"No problem, Brooke. I just figured since I would be in the neighborhood. Some other time for sure, though."

"Of course. Bye Luke"

Brooke put the phone down and turned to Nathan who was sitting on the bed with his back to her.

"That was Lucas."

"Yeah, I got that."

"He wanted to meet for lunch."

"Really?" Nathan managed to sound both uninterested and sarcastic.

Brooke chose to ignore his tone and continued, "Yes, but I thought we'd spend the day together. Maybe go out to eat? I'm sick of my own cooking." Brooke laughed lightly, trying so hard to rid the room of the tension.

"You should've said yes to Lucas. Spend the day with him." His voice held no emotion.

"I didn't want to go out with him, Nathan." Brooke touched his shoulder, trying to make him look at her.

"Why? Is it because you think I don't want you to?" The cracks were beginning to show in his impassive expression.

Brooke remained quiet, knowing that he wasn't done.

"Because, believe me, I don't care what you do and with who you do it with. So, if you're not having lunch with Lucas because of some misguided notion that I'll give a shit, by all means, call him back and say you changed your mind." Nathan's tone had turned harsh, and every word pierced Brooke's insides.

"Why are you doing this, Nathan? Why are trying to push me away?" The tears clogging her throat making it hard to speak.

"I don't know what you mean. I'm not doing anything, _we're_ not anything!"

Brooke laughed bitterly, "So that's how you feel?"

"Feel? I don't _feel_ anything! I haven't felt anything since Haley died! So I don't know what you thought we were doing here, but it was just sex, we were fucking! It was fun, but it'd be just as fun with anyone else. If you think otherwise, why don't you try it with Lucas and tell me if I'm wrong." Nathan was shouting and Brooke was surprised she was still upright, considering how unbearable the pain was.

"I'm sorry I can't turn my feelings off like you, but I'm human!" Brooke was full-out sobbing now. 

"I can't do this anymore! You're hot and cold, one minute you kiss me so tenderly, it can't be fake and the next you're saying these horrible…things to me! I haven't done anything to deserve this! You have no right to treat me this way!"

Nathan could see what he was doing to her and he hated himself, but he couldn't stop. He couldn't let her think this was going anywhere; he couldn't let himself think that. So instead of pulling her into his arms and asking for her forgiveness like he was dying to do, he turned away from her.

"I don't want to do this anymore either. I'm tired of you."

Inside he was breaking; he couldn't believe he had said that. It couldn't be further from the truth, just the thought of not being with her anymore turned everything dark. He could already feel the loneliness pressing down on him. He could drown in it.

The only sound in the room was Brooke's heart wrenching sobs and Nathan forced himself not to turn to her.

After a while, it must've been minutes, but it felt so much longer, he heard her finally move from the spot she had seemed frozen in and throw on her clothes. She grabbed her purse and started to walk out, when she paused. Without turning to look at him, she didn't think she could look at him ever again, she whispered, "I think maybe it's time you went back to your own place." And then she was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

This chapter's the longest yet, but I feel like it's kind of all over the place. I'm seriously not that pleased with it, but I can't find the time to deal with it. With everything going on right now, I'm feeling drained, so it might take a bit longer for me to update again. Just a head's up, I don't want to leave you guys hanging, because you really are the greatest. I love every review.

Oh, also a pretty awful cyclone hit Bangladesh (that's where I live) and it's been crazy. We didn't have any power for more than 24hours. Thank God for generators though! Or else I'd be even more behind on my work and less likely to update.

I'll shut up and let you get on with it now!

Chapter 6

Brooke couldn't stop the flow of tears and she knew she shouldn't be driving in this state. She wasn't going to back to the apartment though, not until enough time had passed for Nathan to have left.

He was _tired_ of her? She scoffed; Brooke hadn't realized she was such a burden. More tears fell and she knew she had to find somewhere to stop. She looked around and realized where she was. She had driven quite a long way without knowing it. Brooke remembered where Lucas lived and pulled up in front of his building. Her hands shook as she pressed the buzzer to his apartment.

"Yes?"

"It's Brooke…" She sounded exactly like she felt.

"Brooke? Hold on. I'll come down."

Lucas jogged down the stairs and opened the front door. Her hair was messy and her face red and puffy. She looked devastated, but still beautiful. Without saying a word, Lucas opened his arms and she fell into them.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to show up like this! But I was driving and I ended up here and I could really use a friend…"

"It's ok, Brooke. Breathe. You're shaking." Lucas rubbed her back soothingly and led her up the stairs to his apartment.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lucas asked after leading her to take a seat in the living room.

Brooke had stopped crying and her feelings were now veering into anger. She couldn't believe Nathan!

He had hurt her a lot, but she kept letting him, making excuses for his behavior. She was sick of it though, it wasn't helping either of them to go on like that.

"You're going to think I'm the most horrible person," Brooke sighed.

"You could tell me anything, I would never think that of you," Lucas said sincerely. Brooke wasn't perfect, no one was, but she was one of the best people he has ever known; she had a good heart and genuinely cared for others.

Brooke looked at Lucas sitting beside her and he couldn't help but compare him to Nathan. He was being really sweet and such a good friend even with all the time that had passed between them, while Nathan kept ripping her heart out even though they were supposed to have been best friends for a few years now.

Brooke forced herself to stop thinking along those lines; Nathan's situation was completely different. His whole world had turned upside down since last year, he wasn't being himself. He wasn't cruel and purposefully hurtful. Brooke sighed. She was making excuses again.

"I'm not so sure about that," Brooke was afraid of saying it out loud, she hadn't talked to anyone about her situation, and finally revealing everything would make it all so much more real, but if she didn't tell somebody soon, Brooke felt as though she might go crazy.

"I've been sleeping with Nathan," Brooke blurted out, using the 'ripping off a band-aid' technique.

"I've been sleeping with my best friend's husband for weeks and I've liked it, more than liked it actually. It was supposed to be just sex, we were both so alone, but now I'm terrified because it's not just sex anymore, not for me at least. I care about him, a lot, and I know that's beyond stupid because he's going to crush me, even more than he has already, if I ever told him that I'm in love with him…" Brooke buried her face in her hands and waited for Lucas to say something.

"You're in love with him?"

"Oh God. I can't believe I just said that. But I am." Brooke then started to cry, "I'm _so_ stupid! What is _wrong_ with me? I don't even know what happened! How the hell did I let this happen?" Brooke sobbed out.

"Hey, hey, c'mere" Lucas pulled Brooke into his arms and hugged her tight. He was so warm and Brooke felt so cold all over. She hugged him back trying to capture some of his warmth, letting her head fall into the crook of his neck.

"It's going to be ok, Brooke. You can't help how you feel, you can't control these things. It's not like you set out to fall for him"

Brooke looked up into his eyes and asked bewildered, "You don't think I'm awful?"

She looked so shocked that he wasn't judging her that Lucas chuckled lightly, "No, Brooke, I don't think you're awful, because you're not! You were both going through something terrible, you were in a lot of pain, and you sought comfort in each other. It's natural that you'd gravitate to the one person who understood your pain."

"But he's Haley's husband!"

"And Haley wouldn't want either of you to be alone and miserable, she loved you. She'd want you to be happy."

Brooke shook her head, "I don't think this is what she had in mind."

Nathan paced up and down the room. He shoved his fingers through his hair angrily, he felt like pulling it all out. He was such a fucking idiot. It had been a few hours since Brooke had walked out and all he could think about since then was how to fix this mess.

When Brooke had told him to leave her apartment, he felt like someone had sucker punched him. The thought of actually leaving and not seeing Brooke everyday was not a pleasant one. He was so angry with himself, he knew he was pushing it, acting the way he was, but he didn't want to drive her away permanently.

He was just plain scared, but what was even more terrifying than caring about Brooke was the thought of her actually giving up on him, washing her hands of his constant ups and downs and walking away for good.

Nathan couldn't take that, and now he had to find a way to make her forgive him. He didn't want her to be with Lucas, hell, just the thought of them together again made him want to throw up or maybe punch something, preferably his estranged half-brother's face.

Now, if she would only come home, he could commence the groveling. Nathan glanced at his watch and noticed that she'd been gone for way too long. Where could she be? He didn't like the idea of her driving while she was this upset.

Just as he was veering into full-out panic mode, the door opened and Brooke walked in, looking shocked to see Nathan still there. Nathan could see Brooke visibly try to wipe her face of all emotion and he felt himself freeze. Everything he'd planned on saying to her flew out his head. He just stood there. Brooke looked at him for another moment, and then shook her head sadly before moving past him without saying a word.

Nathan berated himself for his cowardice and followed her into her bedroom. Brooke sensed his presence and tensed up.

"You've been gone for hours, where were you?" That wasn't how he'd planned on starting the conversation, but it was better than just staring at her.

"What do you care where I was? Here's _my_ question, what are you still doing here?"

Nathan could see she had moved on from tearful and hurt to mad as hell.

"You know what? I don't care, I just want you gone"

"Brooke, I don't want to leave. I…"

"You what?"

"I don't know"

"You don't know?" Brooke laughed bitterly. The sound was harsh and Nathan cringed.

"I think you know plenty, you seemed to know exactly what you wanted before when you told me you were tired of this, of me; when you told me to fuck Lucas!" 

Nathan lowered his head and closed his eyes at the pain and anger in her voice.

"You want to know where I was? I was at Lucas's apartment"

Nathan jerked his head up and stared at her, "What?" His voice was strangled.

"Yeah, I was with Lucas. That's what you wanted right?"

Nathan thought he would pass out, he was sure he wasn't getting enough air into his lungs. He swallowed hard and tried to take a deep breath.

"No, I was being stupid and I was afraid…Please tell me you're kidding, you and Lucas didn't really…" Nathan couldn't even finish the sentence.

"What do you want from me, Nathan? Do you want to hear how I went over there and Lucas made me feel better, that he was sweet and kind and warm, that he made me forget about you for a while?"

"No" Brooke could barely hear Nathan's whispered reply, and suddenly she felt very tired. She just wanted to crawl under her covers and not wake up until this whole mess was cleared up.

"I didn't sleep with him."

Nathan felt intense waves of relief wash over him as her words registered. The despair he was feeling a few minutes ago abated and he took what seemed like his first breath since Brooke showed up.

"I didn't sleep with him, but I wish I had. Then I could throw it in your face and you could leave and I would be done with all this. But of course, I couldn't because I'm in love with you."

As Nathan realized what she had just admitted, the terror came back and all he could choke out was, "Brooke, don't…"

She laughed harshly, "It's too late, Nathan. It's already happened"

Nathan had so many thoughts running through his head, yet he couldn't voice a single one. He just stood there, paralyzed. She couldn't be in love with him.

"Well, aren't you going to say anything? God! You were never a man of too many words, but this is fucking ridiculous!" Brooke shouted, breaking the silence her confession had caused and making Nathan flinch.

"Just go. It's been a long day, and I can't do this anymore." Brooke gave him an out, knowing that he couldn't wait to get as far away from her as possible.

Nathan proved her right as he turned to leave, not having said anything since his weak plea for her to not fall for him.

Only after Brooke was sure that he was gone from the apartment, did she let herself cry. Brooke couldn't believe she had told him she was in love with him, and that he had actually left her afterwards, in tears, alone once again.


End file.
